Help me edit a scholarship essay?

It's hard to avoid coming across as trite on a first-draft scholarship essay. If you want to stay on this tack, though, you might consider ditching 'Seeing the happiness...' and most of the subsequent. Change the 'is' to 'was' before 'redeeming'. Add a 'was' before 'my internship at the...'. If you haven't already, you should get a good handle on whoever is putting the grant up for grabs. What is the mission statement or general mantra of the organization? What kind of people belong to the organization? If the scholarship money is being sourced from a deceased person's estate, for instance, you should want to know what the person's values were and write an essay that appeals to what he or she or they lived for. A libertarian club will snooze at playing music for the community because they'll prefer to understand your ideas about how to shrink your city's government. A veterans group will want to know that you know that life is hard but you still walk a straight line through it. You get the picture. 'Same idea applies even if a government agency is putting up the money since they are each motivated differently as well. You would be remiss if you did not call the scholarship foundation's number directly and ask if there is a particular direction they prefer essays to go. As with a big English paper, finish the essay fast so you can detach yourself from it for a day or so and thus proof-read it a little more objectively. -hasta